


Kroganova: Of Maidens, Matriarchs and Other Conquests

by Eureka234



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Adult Content, Drabble Collection, F/M, Krogans, Metafiction, Other, Parody, Shameless Smut, Size Kink, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2018-11-29 11:15:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11439705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eureka234/pseuds/Eureka234
Summary: Charr has expanded his writing from poetry to bad romances. He provides Shepard with a free copy of 'Kroganova'.Garrus hides the monstrosity away, but who will pick it up for a skim through?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> One fateful day, my partner and I were joking about how bad some of the sex scenes and pairings are in Mass Effect. At some point, he said "The Krogan that reads bad poetry in Mass Effect should write romance novels. And somehow he seduces everyone and everything."  
> I said, "Like a Casanova."  
> "Yeah. Kroganova." 
> 
> I present this to you, courtesy of the two of us! This chapter is just an introduction, so it's safe to read. It is meant to be series of drabbles, which I will update whenever my partner and I come up with a crazy enough idea. Tags and warnings will be added when appropriate. 
> 
> The title is a reference to one of Casanova's novels about his sexual adventures called "Of Mistresses, Tigresses and Other Conquests".
> 
> Also - I wrote this first part in my psychologist waiting room. I'm not sure what that says about me haha

“Hello Shepard. What a delight it is to see you again.”

Jane recognized the Krogan, though couldn't place the name. Its tough scales were a rich maroon and its skin a mustard yellow. With the pink and lilac tones to the street lights on Ilium, it cast grim purple shadows. To be polite, she said, “Hey, yeah, you too. What's new on your side of Illium?”

The Krogan’s scales crinkled in a proud grin. “I am an author now. I had my first book launch a week ago. No more transport industry for me.”

A Krogan who did writing. Again it sounded familiar but after meeting armies of Krogan it was difficult to recall his identity.

An Asari appeared besides Shepard in a dark dress.  “Please. Have a free copy.”

She held out a soft cover book which may have been five hundred pages.

Jane took it. “Uh, thanks. Appreciate it.”

She looked at the cover skeptically. It had vibrant digital art of a Krogan with a black hat, tie and eye patch, seated suavely on a bench, raising an eyelid at the reader (being reptilian-like, they didn’t really have eyebrows).

“Is this Steampunk?” Jane asked. Science fiction had become a dying genre, having lost popularity over the last millennia, because most interpretations of the “future” (the past) had turned out completely wrong. Stories under the genre were still published, though they were viewed derisively by most. Steam punk and fantasy were regarded more favourably, because as a famous comedian put it, ‘they are self aware enough to recognize they are bullshit’.

The Krogan laughed. “Nah, I am not that creative. It's a romance series.”

“Really?” Jane didn't know what to feel. The idea of romance and Krogan did not mesh in her mind.

“Yes,” the Asari sighed, “Charr wanted to publish a collection of his poems, although the publisher said it doesn't sell well among Krogan or intergalactic audiences.”

“I know someone on the crew of the Normandy who would appreciate it,” Jane said, thinking of Ashley. Finally, she remembered where she had met the Krogan before. The Krogan and Asari were a couple, and Charr wrote poetry once to try persuade her to get back together with him. Maybe they had Asari children now.

“The publisher is King,” Charr said. “I don’t like it. I submitted the manuscript of my poems to a number of interplanetary companies and same deal. They said bad romances are the big seller right now.”

“That’s too bad,” Jane said, “so you wrote a romance badly on purpose?”

“For Krogan, the worse it is the better. Romance material is used like how humans drink shots. It’s a challenge, and it’s for laughs. Mocking romance and proving you have no emotions is a chance to make Krogan feel above others.”

“The more you laugh at romance, the more ass the Krogan can kick?” Jane clarified.

“Exactly. You always knew what you were talking about, Shepard,” the Asari said with a sigh of relief, “I couldn't have said it better myself.”

“If it’s terrible on purpose -because hey, we all need to do something terrible on purpose” Garrus noticed that Shepard had been held up and approached her, “that must make it enjoyable to write.”

The Krogan chuckled. “Yes. It isn't my usual writing style so it took longer, but I did some research on horrible human romances. That helped.”

“After all the fuss, the Krogan company though that publishing through them first would give us the best chance at reaching a broader market, as they are well known,” the Asari said.

“The manager said I could weave my poetry into some of the narrative and see how the sales and review sphere goes. If _Kroganova_ does well, I can publish my poems,” Charr said, “Poetry is a bit more of a novelty in Turchanka so it has the potential to be successful. ”

“ _The Mad Reproductive Rampage of Kroganova: Combating the Genophage by Force_ ,” Garrus read the title of the novel over Jane's shoulder, “Uh.. are you worried this is going to offend readers?”

“It’s not politically correct at all,” the Asari chuckled, then, “I don’t believe I know you. It’s Ereba. Who are you?”

“Garrus,” the Turian replied, and the two shook hands. He looked uncomfortable. “Well, congratulations on the book. I just hope there aren’t any jokes in here about sexual assault or… the genophage being reversed by… err… never mind.”

“Krogan’s version of bad romance is very different to humans,” Charr assured them, “You’re not doing it properly until someone head butts you or wants to kill you over it. I’ve been working out to take them all down.”

“It’s all a test of who can be the least offended,” Ereba explained, hastily, “It’s a Krogan thing. Trust me.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Jane said. Now, she wasn’t sure if she wanted a copy of this book. It already sounded too intense content wise for her to handle, and she wasn’t averse to erotic material. If Krogan romance was designed to be as offensive as possible, keeping it on the ship could cause problems.

“I take it from your reaction, Ereba, is that you’ve read it,” Garrus said, “how does it compare to the poetry?”

Ereba smiled. “I don’t get it, but I offered advice on the story structure and descriptions. It all reads like a joke I don’t understand. I know how Krogan culture works though so I’m not offended. It would only be available in specialty human stores though.”

“Probably for the best,” Garrus said, cordially, “Shepard and the crew have a schedule to follow, as much as I hate to say it.”

“That’s right,” Jane replied, catching the hint to leave, “Nice to see you again Charr and Ereba. I hope everything is going well for you.”

“It is, thanks,” the couple answered, in more or less the same way.

Jane and Garrus said their farewells and departed. Garrus awkwardly put the book away in a bag. Once they were well out of earshot, the Turian leaned to mutter in Jane’s ear, “I don’t mean to refuse a free book, but are we really going to bring it back to the Normandy?”

“Why not?” Jane answered, “I’m sure if no one else will read it, Grunt can give it to someone for a present.”

Garrus sighed. “Sometimes I think you have a little too much faith in the writing ability of those we meet in the galaxy.”


	2. Kroganova knows what coffee you drank this morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this is ridiculous. It was supposed to be.
> 
> My partner wrote the sex scene itself. I did the rest. 
> 
> Kinks included: size, exhibitionism, woman in uniform, being filmed, degradation 
> 
> Plug: My partner makes video game remixes sometimes. Here's one he made for System shock - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCwnb0DDmYw
> 
> Enjoy!

Thump.

Miranda stopped typing abruptly as something heavy was thrown lazily onto the desk. Confused by the colourful cover, she lifted her fingers from the keyboard and picked the book up.

No troubleshooting manual would look so eye catching. A fiction novel? She thought.

It was best not to presume. Not in her job. Assumptions would be the end of her.

“Shepard, what is this?”

“It’s a book,” Jane said, turning around from near the door. “Making the rounds.”

The Commander of the Normandy had a lurid smile on her face.

“I don’t mean to object to your tastes in stories,” Miranda said laconically, “ though I don't know if I want this. I won't have time to read it, at least not for another few months. If it is urgent, I will need to prioritize my schedule again.”

Another thump. This time from a fist on the wall.

“Stop complaining. find someone to give it to then,” Jack snapped, meeting Shepard outside the door. The Commander of the Normandy and Jack were in a romantic relationship, and while Miranda had no moral qualms with that, she'd never felt warm towards Jack.

“Urgh! Fine,” Miranda gave in, “but just so you know I am not impressed in the slightest.”

They didn't seem to care. Really, she shouldn't have expected much different.

The book was called Kroganova: Of Maidens, Matriarchs and other Conquests. Seriously? Only an idiot wouldn't realize that it was a play on words of Casanova, one of the most infamous male seducers of the last millennia recorded in literature. The Spanish version had a cult following from the Human Trash Media community. Feeding into her dismay, it was about a flirtatious and apparently suave Krogan. If her history recordings had taught her anything, Human Trash media had a tendency to be grossly misogynistic and repulsive. If Shepard recommended this novel perhaps this Krogan writer was more progressive than most.

There was only one way to find out.

She waited until all was quiet, the doors were closed and her computer was busy running an analysis before opening to the first chapter.

* * *

Krogans are ugly was the message his other species friends and desired mates had told him over the years. No one would want to go on a date or have sex with a Dinosaur like _thing_.

The Krogan rebelled. He worked to prove them wrong. Slowly he determined how to succeed, a plan that could not fail. Within months he was called Kroganova. The name stuck. It was a precious reminder that being discriminatory was a hideous idea.

He entered the room, grumpy yet stolid. Banking assistance after business hours. What a joke. Work just wouldn't let him get it done _during_ business hours because they were behind on schedule… things that weren't even his fault!

“Pardon me. I had an appointment at half past,” Kroganova grumbled. For a reptilian species, the voice was silky except for a rough growl on certain syllables or at the end of sentences. Little did the consultant know, this Krogan was trained to control more than his voice. His scales were a rich auburn in places, oak in others. After too much scarring in one eye, he had turned partially blind. A monocle framed that eye, though the glass was tinged charcoal to prevent further irritation from the light. The glass was rimmed with gold.

The bank looked how any bank looked in this age. Abandoned desks were aligned in perfect formation. A large window stretched horizontally across the strip. The night sky was illuminated by the occasional lights of a ship or projected advertising graphic. The blink of computer lights created an effect like stars across the room. The widest span of light came from a desk.

The young lady behind it was well presented. She had a black dress on, olive skin, long died black and purple hair, and glasses. Black heels.  For humans, she would be known as a hot piece of ass. Kroganova was only slightly more respectful than that.

“You look tired.”

“Yes.” Her voice was husky. She most definitely smoked. “I am.”

“Anything I can do?”

The woman raised her head, to display a quizzical look. “Very funny. Try again, dinosaur head.”

Referring to Krogan as dinosaurs was considered a terrible insult as those creatures were long extinct. It held too many connotations to the Genophage.

“That’s awfully rude of you,” the Krogan said.

“Ha! A Krogan calling me rude?” the woman scoffed. She swiveled her computer mouse. “My apologies. It's been a long day. Let's get your query over with, shall we?”

Kroganova chuckled. Her name tag read ‘Sally’. She had a twisted way of interacting with others. 

“Sorry for that, but I really was wondering if I could get you anything,” Kroganova said.

The woman looked unamused. “If you are not going to stop asking, get me a coffee. I do need a caffeine boost.”

Kroganova turned on his heel. “Will one from the vending machine do?”

“Yes. No. Actually, stop stop,” she called out, rushed. With a heave she reached her arm out, as if to grab him. “I will pay you back if you buy it. I can't do that to a customer.”

Her hazel eyes bored into his.

“Yeah. You could,” he said, “but there are many ways to repay debts, aren't there?”

It wasn't clear if the woman understood the double entendre. She gave a humorless smile. “What do you need help with? While you are gone i can start loading some things. That way we can both get out of here.”

He told her. She seemed taken aback by his nonchalance. ‘Both get out of here’ could be misinterpreted.

He left.

* * *

The woman sat up straighter in interest. “ _Star Coffee_. I have been craving it all day.”

“Thought you did.” He placed it on her desk.

“You knew?”

“I am a coffee snob. It's only right to know. Besides, sometimes humans give off certain scents.”

“Is that right?” she scrutinized him, “Sometimes cologne does too. And it's horrible. So you could smell what coffee i had drunk earlier this morning?”

“I can smell… a _lot_ on people. For better or worse.”

The woman opened the cap. The topic returned to banking. While Kroganova listened he also pondered what it would be like to relish her human body.

While the computer processed a transfer, she sipped the coffee and raised an eyebrow.

“You want some?”

“If it has germs, I approve.”

“Germs? Why do you say that? “

“Germs are my favorite food group.”

The woman laughed, and continued her work. When it was done she asked.

“What sorts of germs are your favorite?”

“The kind I prefer not to discuss with a lady who knows my bank details.”

“Sweat?”

“Not quite.”

“Shit?”

“No.”

“Milk? Come on. Tell me.”

“Guess.”

“Does it have to do with animals? “

“In part.”

“Humans?”

“Yes.”

“Sex?”

“Okay. That's better than the other options. What made you think about that?”

“if you are who I think you are… you have a reputation.”

“Doesn't everyone on this planet?”

“My best friend said she once did something terrible with a Krogan with a monocle.”

“Maybe she did.”

“Is that why you sought me out?”

“I was simply looking for someone who won't mess with my funds. You had a reputation for being genuine..”

“Krogan like to be provoked, don't they?”

“I don’t think you understand.  It is Krogan culture but not everyone subscribes to it. I don't.”

The woman raised her drink. “I’d like to see about that.”

Without warning, she poured the half melted ice of her coffee over him. His velvet coat was now soaked and probably ruined. Not another one.

“will you clean this for me?”

“Sure. Just one thing… if you really did what you say to my friend..  how did you do it? She is a large lady… maybe you like them that way.”

“i like those who treat me with respect,” Kroganova said, “She did that. Simple. I find ways to fuck whoever I want and the details are of little concern to you. Now tell me, do you know what I like to do to women who _don't_ respect me?”

“If you are anything like the dudes who try to punch me when their cards decline, then perhaps I could guess.”

“No. I don't force or use violence.” Kroganova grinned. “I prefer to inspire you to take your pants down, whatever form that takes.”

The woman looked almost thrilled by the idea that she wouldn't be forced. Her eyelashes fluttered, probably unintentionally. She swiveled in her chair.

“You think you are that good? If not I could destroy your reputation.”

“There’s nothing you could ruin about me or the Krogan culture that humanity has not already done,” Kroganova said, smoothly.

“Touché. I appreciate that.” the woman nodded. “I take at least an hour to have an orgasm on a good day. I can tell you that I am already having a bad day.”

“I have sexual impulses that I fight with day by day. A Krogan doesn't lack in stamina, and I am not lacking in patience. If you are offering your body, I won't refuse.”

There was a pause that was nearly painfully exciting, then she smiled.

“That’s more like it,” she replied. She clicked a few buttons on a computer and slipped out of her heels, leaving sheer matte stockings. “Should I let you guess how to make me orgasm? If not we might be here all night.”

“That’s up to you. I wouldn't want you to be disappointed just for the sake of proving a point.”

The woman hummed, thinking about it. “Lights on or off?”

“The question is do you want to get fired?”

Sally smiled. The poor human was deranged with lust. He could help her. “I am willing to risk getting sacked for a thrill. I want it filmed and I want my boss to see it.”

“You hate your boss?”

“No. He’s a wonderful man but he does not want me. He can't. Married and whatnot. So I will show him what he is missing.”

“what's that?”

“A freak who would fuck anything that seemed like a challenge.”

“I have met many humans like you. They can't resist their curiosity. They want to know what Krogan flesh feels like, the scales, pain and all.” he said, “Show your boss then what you can do.”

When they met eyes there was an unspoken knowledge that even though Sally would be calling the shots, that Kroganova would protect her. She looked around at a CCTV camera. “I hope you are watching this, Nathan. I have prepared a performance just for you.”

Slowly she removed her clothes, leaving her bra and button up shirt on.. “You like this, honey? You can't have it. Though you can watch. I have a Krogan here who is going to fill me and tear me apart. The cum will cover me like the icing on those cupcakes you brought in that melted. They were good cupcakes but they could have been better if you weren't too scared to give one to me.”

Kroganova watched in amazement at her confidence. She had the hard headedness of a female Krogan. He felt himself become aroused immediately.

Sally looked histrionically sad and spread her legs apart, almost like a Burlesque dancer might. “I am going to like it more than i like the thought of being with you.”

Kroganova growled despite himself, grabbed her hair and pulled on it. “You are not respecting me or your boss.”

“Cry me a river,” the woman scoffed. She pulled him close and gnawed on his coat.

“Is this the fucked up crap you like doing to women, eh? You miserable animal.”

She was taunting him on purpose.

They stared at each other for a while. The woman raised her eyebrows and ran her hands to her breasts. Kroganova pressed his crotch into her, a mountainous bulge of which he was sure she had never experienced. They nodded and slowly undressed.

* * *

Kroganova's quads dangled loose, like a freshly purchased pack of tennis balls. The head of his shaft was slickened, and had a musky smell, vaguely reminding Sally of burnt bacon. He grunted loudly and said 'Bite onto my vest. I'm going in dry.' "

He pushed it inside her from over the desk, like a baseball bat being forced down a shower drain. She gave a half scream, as if it had been muted half way through and grabbed onto him, swearing something embarrassing yet incoherent.

He felt her walls spasm in a struggle to accommodate his massive girth. She groaned as he pulsed gently, her inside becoming slicker as his member grew ever more turgid. Beads of sweat formed on her face.

The woman let out a prolonged groan as he pushed further inside.

“You’re wrong,” she mumbled.

“I doubt that.”

“I don’t like Krogan specifically. I just want to get fucked right now and I don't care who does it.”

“Simple minded human. Even if it was a work colleague you hated?”

“I would shut my eyes. It doesn't matter.”

“You’re an easier target than I thought.”

“Growl like a female Krogan. Like you enjoy it.”

She growled but it sounded more like a chihuahua incensed at someone moving it’s dinner bowl.  He pushed further inside her. She shouted out in a mixture of ecstasy and pain, urging him to move faster, harder…which he obliged with.

He then began pumping her like he was trying to summon a thresher maw. The sound of wet slapping reverberated around the small room, as he held her by the hair traced his oily tongue along her ear.

Sally grunted with pain and pleasure, and she lost almost all semblance of consciousness, her only awareness being the rhythmic squelching sounds and a vague sense that something inside her vagina might be torn.

And soon, he released his load inside her.

Like being hit with a water cannon at a rowdy protest, Sally was flung back a few feet with the force of his ejaculate, a shotgun blast of oily, musky, meaty cum.

The woman wasn't done. She stood and demanded to be taken on her feet. Kroganova hoisted her into the air so her legs were level with his waist and started again, this time going for her asshole, using his cum to lube her before entry, doing so with his digits, each about the size of the average human penis.

“Three more. Each testicle gets emptied in turn, not like humans.”

* * *

Miranda threw the book down, where it almost skidded off her desk. That story was probably the 3rd most distasteful thing she had ever read. Why was she so flustered? This office was her office. She made the decisions and was responsible for what happened in here. 

Placing the book in a draw she realized she was wet. She didn't need to go to the bathroom to know. The slight dampness in her knickers was unmistakable. She liked the story, somehow. What aspect did she even like?! Not because of the Krogan.

_How can I…_

The book had made her crazy. Without much of a second thought, she brought her glass of water towards her and pretended nothing had happened.


End file.
